The shortest day
by prideaux
Summary: The entire (well, almost) of season 4 distilled into 3 farcical, postmodern pages. Brutally honest reviews much appreciated!


The following takes place between some unknown hours on Day 4 at CTU, in the midst of yet another immense crisis that somehow manages to unfold within a single day. 

_Tony walks into CTU deliberately dressed down to convey his current loser, alcoholic status. _

Curtis: Tony? What are you doing back here?

Tony: Well, the producers realized that the supporting cast this season really lacks chemistry, so they've resorted to pulling me back as a, oooooh, 'Special Guest Star'. Don't be surprised to see other previous cast members magically popping up.

Curtis: Really? Even Nina and Sherry Palmer?

Tony: Nawww, that would be way too far fetched even for this show.

Curtis: But how will Division condone the presence of an alcoholic, convicted criminal like yourself at the most important intelligence center in the United States?

Tony: Don't worry, it's all thanks to the word of Jack 'Superman' Bauer.

Curtis: Wait, shouldn't an emotionally distraught, drug addicted psycho like him have been discarded by the government long ago?

Tony: Hey, this is a drama series made in America, where we must always glorify and celebrate the cult of the maverick individual who manages to beat the system. Oh yeah, and now that Dennis Haysbert has left the show, he has somehow managed to get himself another important patron, whose daughter he also just happens to be screwing.

Curtis: Right, that always works.

_Jack rushes in out of nowhere, knocks Tony to the ground and points a gun at his face. _

Jack: I am not messing with you, Tony. Tell me what Marwan is going to do next!

Tony: What the hell are you doing, Kiefer? I just saved you and your girlfriend's ass in the last episode.

Jack: Oh sorry, I just thought it was time for me to pull another shocking and, quite frankly, wholly unnecessary stunt to get the audience's attention. Can I shoot you in the knee just to complete the moment?

Tony: NO!

Jack: Oh well. Right, its time for me to abandon protocol once again and embark on another reckless, yet ultimately rewarding, endeavour that will result in millions of lives being saved. Excuse me.

_Jack runs out of CTU, shooting several innocent bystanders for good measure, just in case they have important information. Audrey emerges from her daddy's shadow in order to fulfill her role as the token love interest, even though she has zero chemistry with Jack. _

Audrey: What an incredible man you are, Jack. No wonder I still love you, in spite of the fact that you tortured my soon-to-be-ex husband just a few episodes back. And all you had to do was ask him nicely by explaining the situation to him, but hey, torture looks a lot better on TV.

Edgar: Damn! Terri, Nina, Kate Warner, Audrey Raines….he draws women to him like a magnet. Why can't I have a love interest too?

Curtis: Maybe cos you are an annoying fat ass with an equally annoying New York accent who is just about the least interesting of the new cast members, and yet have somehow been retained, to the audience's eternal mystification?

Edgar: Oh yeah? At least I'm not the token black cast member who let a mole into CTU, for like, the thousandth time.

Curtis: Look Edgar, for the purposes of this show, CTU is meant to be penetrated. And that's not just cos the spies have tended to be women who have gotten what they want through sleeping with the right people.

Edgar: God, what an inappropriate Freudian slip.

_Driscoll walks past Tony on her way out of CTU._

Driscoll: I'm leaving the show, Tony. You will now be running CTU in a laughably implausible scenario.

Tony: That's a pity, Erin. I realize that you are actually a sympathetic villain who, along with just about every other flawed character, reveals her human side by doting on her daughter.

Driscoll: You're one to talk, Tony. The only reason I am leaving is to pave the way for the return of Reiko Aylesworth, who is here to help create further dramatic tension.

Tony: Hey, we are only up to episode 17, Erin. By the end of the season, I mean day, we will either be dead or reconciled.

Driscoll: All right. I will now make my entrance in order to conclude this lame spoof.

_24 theme plays_


End file.
